I’ve worked professionally as a life and business mentor to mom entrepreneurs for the last 13 years. I’m the mother of a 17-, 13- and 10-year-old. I built my business while my husband was on dialysis for five years, and never used the fact that my children were young or that my husband’s health was comprised as an excuse to not honor my goals. Last year my husband had a successful kidney transplant. Through it all, I gave myself permission to do exactly what I wanted including three triathlons, building a successful business, joining a nationally syndicated television show, building a huge national brand, and taking excellent care of my family.

I work with women who have goals that they want to realize, and I support them by creating systems to realize those goals without compromising their quality of life. The one common trait I see among my clients is their need for permission to invest in themselves without excuses. I wanted to share with you five key areas that I see over and over again among women regarding their need for permission to live their best lives.

1. Lack of Role Models — I believe that women need permission because they haven’t experienced enough female role models and mentors who have been unapologetic about their wants, dreams and desires. Instead, many of the women in their lives have made excuses about being successful and accomplishing their goals as a mom. They turn it into a conversation about convenience and waiting their turn — as if success has ever been convenient and the “right time” will simply present itself.

2. Fear of Judgment — Women seek permission, because oftentimes they judge other women when those women have chosen to give a voice to their dreams and acknowledge that motherhood alone will never fill the thirst of self-worth and esteem. The “permission seekers” haven’t learned that surrendering their lives to being a mom and not acknowledging their own “me” in mommy will leave them resentful of their children and spouse, or feeling left behind and clinging to the days when their children were little.

3. Unrealistic Expectations for Themselves — We seek permission because we often say yes to things that our partners never asked of us like putting them and our children on the calendar but leaving ourselves off, all in an effort to keep everyone happy. We live by a list of “shoulds” and “oughts” and in the end question why we never just showed up for ourselves, understanding that our family benefits when we add value to ourselves.

4. Guilt and Shame — We need permission because some of our own mothers guilted and shamed us into believing that “doing it all” is easy, and that we should simply be grateful for our home, healthy children and the dream of happiness. Instead, it would be more beneficial if daughters knew what their mother’s silent struggles were such as putting their lives on hold, or saying yes when they wanted to say no. Instead, some of our mothers felt powerless because no one else expressed their true feelings about being supermom and how unhappy that made them.

5. We Don’t Want to Appear Weak — We seek permission to admit that we are tired after working 40+ hours a week, picking our children up from school, child-care and extracurricular activities, piles of laundry, meals to make, etc. We want someone (anyone) to recognize that we need help like an occasional laundry service, groceries delivered, childcare help, etc. Seeking help shouldn’t make us feel incompetent regardless of how effortlessly and seamlessly some women make it appear.

The happiest mothers I know are the ones who aren’t looking to escape from their lives with a spa appointment, get-away or vacation, but those who have said, “Damn it, I give myself permission to design a life, business and work that I want to come home to and that I deserve!”

The most fulfilled women I know are the ones who have given themselves permission to be vulnerable enough to say they need support, and who have the clarity to ask for exactly what they need without seeking approval from anyone else.

The only way I know to add value to anyone else is by adding value to myself!

 

 

Live fully,

 

We all know that being a mother requires constantly adjusting to a new phase of womanhood. Many of us get stuck shifting gears through the transitions.

I’ve coached over 400 clients in the last thirteen years, supporting women directly in understanding that our children benefit when we are whole. I believe that one of the most selfish things we can do as mothers, is not to share all of who we are with our children because we don’t know ourselves. When we have self identity we add value to the parenting process. It is impossible to model self-worth when it is non-existent for yourself. Practicing self-care is necessary to be the best parent and person possible.

It’s never too late to get your groove back no matter how far off you might seem from yourself. Here are a few tips that I share with my clients:

1. Take small steps in the direction of the change that you want.
2. Don’t compare yourself to other people who seem like they have it more together than you. (Your destiny is not tied to another persons direction.)
3. Make a powerful choice today that can change this current moment.
4. Stop trying to shift everything at once.
5. Celebrate and acknowledge all progress.

Enjoy my short, and lively Periscope live stream on Why Your Children Need You To Get Your Groove Back.

 

When I became a mother over 19 years ago, my mother sat me down for an important conversation. She wanted to discuss the importance of self-care and me-time in motherhood. My mother was an amazing and nurturing mom to my brother and me, and she never missed a beat helping us personally develop, make important friendship and participate in enriching hobbies. However, my mother did not take care of nurturing herself. She lovingly and dutifully took care of her family, yet she ignored her own life.

When I was six months pregnant with my first son, my mother told me to promise her that I would always date myself and make time for my own life independent of motherhood. My mom had gotten lost in the minutia of motherhood and did not want me to repeat this pattern in my life. My mom explained that in order to be a great mom and to sustain that greatness, you must also be good to yourself. I said, Yes to my mother’s request without truly knowing what to do for me time dates. Sixteen years ago, me time wasn’t a buzzword and moms weren’t openly discussing work/life balance. I did not have a blueprint to follow for what to do during my alone time, so I made up my own.

I joined a mothers’ group while I was pregnant and was the only mom who did not yet have a baby. As I met with these mothers each week, they all said the exact same things like, I don’t have any time for myself, or, I feel guilty for taking time alone, and My spouse doesn’t really understand or support me when I say I need help. After listening to these moms, I decided to commit to 90 minutes of alone time each week and create systems for my self-care.

I immediately told my husband what days and times I would consistently practice me time. I played with so many scenarios during my 90-minute power outings, including going to the local Barnes & Nobles to read a book, or Panera Bread or Corner Bakery Cafe to have a cup of coffee and salad. I booked tickets to lectures series, wine tastings and cooking classes, and eventually used that time to write my first book, Time for Mom-me: 5 Essential Strategies for A Mother’s Self-care where I outlined the most important steps to begin to honor your own self-care.

The process of self-discovery and building personal relationship with myself while being a mom was paying off because I felt fulfilled as a person. I didn’t feel defined by my work or any role that I played like wife and mother, business owner, volunteer etc., I benefited directly from the experiences I had in each part of my life because I liked my life and myself. It’s been 16 years since I made that commitment to myself. I now have three children and I have dated myself once a week since the beginning.

I often laugh when I listen to stories about how women feel the need to strike a balance in their lives, because a major point I’ve gleaned from my alone time is how to learn from

my imbalance. It has been the imbalance in my life that has told me what I need to ask for from others, the boundaries I need to set or the type of additional systems that were necessary for me to stay sane. I have a black belt in self-care rituals and most of what I learned came from realizing how I benefited when I did things for myself while also taking care of my children. This is the most efficient way to practice what I call ritualistic self-care.

My commitment to me time dates for the last 16 years has taught me to trust the choices I’ve made in my life and to be clear about what is most important. I never saw me time opportunities as maintenance moments like getting a pedicure or massage, although I do enjoy those things. Instead, spending that time was more about doing something to enrich my life vs. just maintaining it. Spending time alone has allowed me to understand that imbalance is the greatest gift in my life because its symptoms tell me exactly what I need. For example, when I feel tired, I know that I need to create a routine that allows me to rest more. When I find myself in the car all the time the imbalance tells me that it is time to do less. These moments alone have taught me to treasure and truly listen to the imbalance in my life.

I am so grateful that I have a mom who was compassionate enough to request that I take care of myself instead of telling me to do it all. My mother knew firsthand the price of doing it all and the personal toll that this illusion creates for so many mothers who get lost in motherhood. I’ve learned that when you know who you are as a mother because you are in touch with yourself, your children have the opportunity to truly get to know you also. Every time I go to an event, participate in a race and do something that I enjoy, my children benefit directly. They will not grow up not knowing who their mom is as a person.

One of the best ways to enhance any relationship is by dating. Think about your most meaningful relationships with your friends, partners and spouse. Did you date them frequently? Dating yourself does exactly the same thing and when you date yourself, you add value to the relationship that you are a part of.

Today, I host annual Time for Mom-Me Retreats & Experience™ weekends to support moms in building substantive systems in their lives to support both their personal and professional growth. I believe that when women get clear about themselves they choose so much more powerfully in every other area of their lives and for others. You can learn more about my Time for Mom-Me Retreats & Experience™ weekends.

If you are on the fence about what me time can do for you I simply want you to take 90 minutes for you for six weeks. Join one of my support groups for free atwww.timeformom-me.com and learn a simple system to commit to taking care of yourself.

And Grandmas (or soon-to-be grandmas)… I implore you to share the importance of me time with your daughters and particularly your new mom daughters, and help them get clear about taking care of themselves so that they don’t lose themselves in motherhood.

10 Things You Wish Someone Had Told You About Motherhood 

Tips that every mother should know and share. 

Lessons Through Trial & Error 

No matter what stage of motherhood you are in, you have probably wished at some point that someone had been around to tell you all the things you had to learn the hard way. You’ve probably read quite a few parenting books, which can be helpful, but no book covers all the bases. What advice do you wish someone had shared with you once you became a mother? 

Most of the lessons I have learned have been through trial and error and I certainly wish that someone had told me the best places to nurse in my local mall, for example, or what the real story is with vaccinations — almost like cliff notes for parenting. 

None of us have a crystal ball to see what is ahead, yet we all see the value of perspective. It seemed that if I asked a direct question to a group of local mothers, I could get an answer, but mostly it took my making a mistake for someone to share their wisdom with me. Generally, people don’t want to impose or have others think they’re sticking their nose in their business –and that is certainly a risk when giving unsolicited advice. 

So from one mom to another, I’m offering this short list of things I had to figure out for myself. Adhering to this list won’t change your parenting style because when it comes to your family, you know what’s best. It will just make your life easier and a bit more manageable. 

1. Be Clear 

If you want your spouse to help you more, you must be clear about what you need. Do not wait for your spouse to read your mind or to pinch-hit for the family. 

2. Take Care of Yourself 

Self-care is an important part of motherhood. Taking time to improve your mental and physical wellness benefits both you and your entire family. 

3. Seasons 

The difficult times in motherhood come in seasons. There is a season for sleepless nights, colic, fevers, extracurricular activities, middle school and smart talk from your teen. Sometimes it’s more than one season at once. And while it might seem that what you’re dealing with now will last forever, it won’t, so hang in there. 

4. Responsibilities

Create a supportive family culture that shares the age-appropriate responsibilities. It often seems easier to just do it all in motherhood, but doing so means that your children don’t get the benefit of learning how to do things for themselves and, well, you have to do everything. 

5. Ignore Competition 

Ignore moms that compete with you because your best is good enough. Just make sure to do your best. 

6. Share Yourself 

Let your children know what you like and share your hobbies with them. It is so easy to be the mom and forget to share the person that you are with your family. 

7. Boundaries 

Set boundaries with relatives who stress you out. This can be initially awkward, but worth it in the end. 

8. Sleep 

Let your children sleep with you if it allows you to rest, but kick them out of your bed if it prevents you from sleeping or enjoying quality time with your partner. 

9. You Have The Power 

If you don’t like the choice that you have made, renegotiate it. 

10. Date  

Date yourself, date your spouse, date your children — all separately, of course. 

Learn & Share 

As a mother of three, I still don’t know it all and I’m still learning things the hard way. Let’s get interactive and help each other out. What do you wish someone had told you about being a mother?